Last time we talked about how we could attribute a color to our mind. Now that we have that, we can talk about how those colors interact with each other. Because, just like some colors don’t match really well together, some people won’t get along.

Have you ever met someone and knew that you’ll never get along? Or maybe the contrary, you knew you’d become best friends instantly? Of course, there are all the middle cases like that person that made you feel uncomfortable without understanding why or that one that you tolerate, but only for short periods of time.

All of this might be the result of what I call (human) compatibility.

If you needed proof, here's something I made a long time ago.

What is and what isn’t compatibility?

In this context, compatibility is the propensity of two people to get along, resulting from the interaction of the two psychotypes over time.

For example, imagine you’re very impulsive. You’ll probably have a better experience with a calmer person that can stomach your tantrums, compared to someone that’ll just pour oil on the fire… Unless you don’t like calm people because you find them boring.

That said, it’s important to distinguish how you feel (like, love, hate…) for someone and your compatibility with them. Your feelings will be influenced by your compatibility, but they will mostly be the result of the time you spent together and the events you went through.

What that means is:

• you can be friends with someone you’re not compatible with (e.g: if you were childhood friends).
• you can hate someone you’re compatible with (e.g: if they betrayed you, one way or another).
• you can “fail” to befriend someone you’re compatible with, if you meet them during a time you were busy and unavailable emotionally.

There’s all other sorts of scenarios where compatibility and feelings can be at odds, but you get the idea. The core thing is, compatibility merely has an influence (positive or negative) on a relationship. Meaning that, an incompatibility, with enough motivation, won’t prevent people from becoming friends, or more.

In addition, since psychotypes are dynamic, compatibility can evolve as well. In the scenario where two seemingly incompatible people put in the effort, it’s possible for the incompatibility to disappear with time. On the other hand, a married couple can see their compatibility decrease as they age and grow apart.

Finally, you should not think of compatibility as a single thing. It has many facets, so we shouldn’t simply say “I’m compatible (with you)” but “I’m compatible for <X>“, whether it’s having fun, living together, working together… or all of these things at once.

What makes compatibility?

Now, what exactly create (in)compatibility? It’s the interaction between the psychotypes. More specifically, here’s a non-exhaustive list of those possible interactions:

Hobbies & interests:

When two people have common passions or activities, it’ll have a positive compatibility effect, as it allows them to do or talk about things they like together. Even if there is none, it can also have a positive contribution as it means they can discover new things they enjoy but didn’t know beforehand.

Except in the case where the activity is despised by the other (e.g: hunting vs vegan or weird fetishes… not to kink-shame anyone), the total absence of common interests will simply have a neutral impact on compatibility. They just won’t enjoy these things together.

Opinions & values:

I’m not speaking of opinions on the latest Netflix show, this stuff belongs to the previous category. Religion, Politics, the Economy… All the topics that can only be enjoyed at an extended family reunion with popcorn and ear plugs. Those are driven by a person’s underlying values, they are part of one’s identity and that’s why things can get heated quickly as criticism of those ideas are akin to insults.

That’s not true for everybody, and to each their own sensitive subjects. In general, if people have opposite opinions for these, it will cause major incompatibility as they will be sources of intense bickering. Similar opinions will be positive but not to the same extent. It’s not like you can do much more than nod in unison and feel like you understand each other.

Life aspirations:

This one really matters when you’re in a relationship. If you want to be together but have different, conflicting goals in life (like one wants to stay close to his family while the other dreams of living on a remote island) this will cause frictions, frustrations and difficult compromises while a more compatible a couple won’t need any of that.

For example, if you don’t agree on the subject of having kids, finding a compromise will be challenging to say the least. Discrepancy in life aspirations, similarly to opinions, will create major incompatibility more than the opposite can generate compatibility.

Character traits:

I already touched on this in previous examples but basically if your character traits mix & match well with a person, you will be compatible, the opposite is also true. This is like a cooking recipe where both person traits are the ingredients.

Take two (very) stubborn people, whenever they don’t agree, no one wants to yield and the constant infighting will plague their relationship.

Needs:

This one may contradict the previous item. In our previous example, if they actually enjoy or need that constant infighting in their life, because it makes them feel alive or something, then this potential incompatibility source is actually something they actively seek.

Ultimately, your taste in a person (what you look for, what you despise) will take precedence over traits’ interaction compatibility-wise. That being said, for most people, both will probably align. I expect very anxious/insecure people to prefer friends who are able to reassure them rather than the opposite.

Misc:

There are many more things that are at play, and probably some I don’t even think about. So here’s a list to wrap it up:

• Mood: Your mood will influence your behavior, like being upset generally makes you more aggressive. That can impact your compatibility with others: Think about that friend you really like but gets super obnoxious when he drinks.
• First impression: The first time you meet someone is crucial because they will base their idea of you on what they’ll get from that encounter. The problem is, this little glimpse is not enough, but it can’t be helped because that’s how it works. So, if we recoup with the mood part, try not to get intoxicated or angry on a first date (yeah, I know, top quality tips right there).
• Appearance: Beside physical attraction, or lack thereof, you can be intimidated or put off by a person’s stature.
• Texture: This includes everything that blurs the line between appearance and personality. Things like body language, speech mannerisms or personal style. They all influence compatibility, albeit in a more unconscious fashion.
• Humor: Similarly to hobbies, if you have the same sense of humor, you can laugh together at the same jokes and enjoy yourselves more than otherwise.
• Skills: Think about trying to make a good team, you need skill diversity to cover what the team will have to do. In our context, if two people living together both dislike/suck at cooking and cleaning, they will be forced to find solutions (eating out, hiring a housemaid…) where a more balanced couple would have avoided those pitfalls.
• Physical closeness: the amount of time spent together will result in interactions that might reveal (in)compatibility that wouldn’t have shown up if you don’t see each other as much. Just imagine you’re very orderly and your roommate is fun to be with but messy…

OCD nightmare fuel.

Hypercompatibility

The concept of soul mates, the idea that someone in this world, is the person that will make you feel complete, that you are meant to unite is neat… but heavily flawed.

In my opinion, the biggest problem (beside the lack of evidence of course), is it implies that everyone has exactly one “soulmate” and is part of a predetermined pair. That just doesn’t correspond to the messy, chaotic world we live in:

• To my knowledge, we have no evidence of the existence of souls and even less evidence of them being created in pairs. How does it even work since the number of people is not constant?
• Some people might require more than one “soulmate”.
• Some people might never encounter their “soulmate”, or might not be emotionally available if they do.

That said, I believe the myth is a misunderstanding of something linked to high compatibility. I don’t know if compatibility is quantifiable, but you can probably loosely classify people by how much you’re compatible with them in different aspects.

If that’s possible, surely, there is a compatibility threshold where the mix of similarity and complementarity between two people makes them feel like they understand each other effortlessly, that they cover each other’s weaknesses and needs, like they’re part of a single super-organism.

This phenomenon, that I have first-hand experience of, would be the result of what I call hypercompatibility.

Interestingly enough, it means that, assuming hypercompatibility exists for your psychotype, you might have many hypercompatible people. Great… except you might never meet them or won’t be both available at the same time. Hence, why this is a rare occurrence.

A few clarifications though:

• You may still meet someone you’re highly compatible with, just not hypercompatible.
• It’s not necessarily about romance, it can simply be friendship.
• It only influences relationships, so it will heavily favor (but not guarantee) deep bonds.
• Compatibility changes with time, it may go above or below the threshold over time.

If you have to take anything from this, just know that it exists, but it’s probably useless to seek it. If it happens to you, congratulations, but it’s not a golden ticket towards happiness.

Relationships, of all kinds, are more about building and overcoming obstacles together than maximizing an abstract psychological metric you heard about on the internet.